A friend in need is a friend indeed…

My birthday is coming and instead of being a joyous ocation the whole ideaa i making me need a lot more medication than I usually take for my depression condition. My mind just goes back automatically al the way back to the last birthday it can remember…being number nine or so where a friend from school would come and play a board game witj me while my grandpa woulld buy me the cheapest cake he could find in the store on hi way back from work, but…I guess it was fine. My father took a couple pictures and people said Happy Birthday unenthusiastically as they went in and out of the house throughtout the day no real party is what I mean…still I guess it didn’t matter.

Years went by and still it didn’t matter to me. Up to my 15th birthday, which in Mexico is the sweet 16th, a very big deal you know. I didn’t wish for a big party because my family had no real relationship with me they hardly knew my name to put on the card for th present let alone to actually wish me hapiness or any other blesing you know? Plus, during junior high school I wasn’t particularly popular. I wasn’t bullied either…I was the A average girl who just occupied a chair from time to time and nobody really cared for except for the ocational answer for a test which I denied…so sue me they didn’t talk to me I ate alone like a dog why should I had made their lives any easier?

Anyway, my mother pushed the whole party issue down my throat as she only knows how and I tried to invite over a hundred people my age of which around two showed up…se, my math was cruel but I was accurate!! After that I decided I never wanted to have another birthday party in my life ever!! I just had no friends I ha to deal with that fact as I had to deal with the fact that I couldn’t make a party for no one to show up.

I dropped the issue for about another 15 years. I let go easily as you might imagine, I’m a Leo so you can just forget it…and my husband organized something with mutual friends and family. By the middle of the afternoon, he was wasted, I was sitting in a chair at a corner on my own bored out of my mind listening to songs I so greatly hated but my sisters-in-law loved so they were singing out loud for the whole neiborhood to hear at 2 oçlock in the morning. I told my husband as sweetly as I could I TOLF YOU SO…YOU SON OF A BITCH! because he had pronised on his future grave that he wouldn’t leave me alone and of course…he did. I don’t see the future or I’d be rich by now buying lottery tickets but I do follow patterns I learn ffrom other people’s behaviors. It’s just good common sense. Being smart that’s all.

This year, I’ve decided to go out and invite a bunch of so called friends. I’ve got my money ready. If no one shows up I’ll hoarse from singing in the damn karaoke all night all by myself! I’m NOT waiting for anybody. I’ll be very happy if they show…shocked even, but I’ll have a good fucking time one way or another…hell yes…also, I asked my father to buy me a cake. I want an orange cake witr purple frosting. I’ll order it and I’ll even sing Happy Birthday to myself if I goddam have to but I’ll have th cake I want exacty the way I want it!! Also I asked for a change of clothing because I have absolutely nothing yo wear to go to the bar. My dad said “You’re pretty big to be asking for party now!!” and I said “Am I really asking for that much dad, think back for a bit and then answer me back?” he was silent after that.

I guess I’m tired of not enjoying the fact that I was born because I never made real friends. I certainly tried, I certainly needed then. I thought I had made a few durin my way but when I think back at the shitty times I find myself each and every time alone nobody was by my side…shit….I never trully noticed. I just thought I had bad friends…but as it turns out maybe I just didn;t make any true ones…Happy times sure, but shitty which have been many for my ife…nobody to hold my hand or tell me it’ll be alright even when they know it just won’t be but because it’s their job to hold your God damn hand when you feel like you just don’t have a place in this world. I’ll get into each shitty “frienship” later.

Couple months ago, I thought I had made a few new friends. We’re still in the process we’ve just met after all, but I had an anxiety crisis and one of them had to calm me down in the middle of work…as much as I wouldn’t had wanted to it just happened I’m sick and that shit happens to me sometimes without notice. Now, I’m worried he no longer will want to be my friend and I’m so sad because I reall like him. We have so much in common and he makes me feel peaceful. I don’t know exactly how it works on the depression crazy world, but there has been only two people in my life who can calm me with the sound of their voice; one was a true friend from college but he had to move to Tenesse a few months ago haven’t seen him since don;t expect to see h9m again; and then there’s this other boy from work whom I kind of scared with my anxiety crisis. I just asked him to tell me something so I could hear his voice but since we just started to know each other might have been too much, but then again if I scared him so soon by inevitably being me, maybe we’re just not meant to be friends at all…??

All this is just really killing me, what are your thought any advice would be helpful if you got any LOL Anyway as ever thanks for being my crying shoulder.